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Desperate times call for desperate measures.

L.

Pinball Wizards and Pinball Widows.

This UGLY little fella is called Rudy.

But he's not as bad as he may look.

He may have been partially responsible for keeping TWO grown men and ONE young boy obsessively occupied for three solid days over the weekend when they could have been interacting with others ...

HOWEVER ... his repetitive mantra of - "YOU'RE MAKING ME VERY UNHAPPY" - which he repeats compulsively, by the way, at least five times a minute for every minute played ... allowed ME to convey MY disdain without opening my mouth once or wasting any breath!!

Thus.
Leaving me totally available to focus all my energy on my other two wonderful BFF's!!!!

L.

Retro Week. Part 4. Friday Photos.

Me Mum gave birth to three bright and bonny, girls.
Not all at the same time, of course.
And the rest is history ...

I was the youngest - and quite obviously the cutest - but the other two held their own!

So.
From top to bottom:

1). Sitting on me Mum's knee.
The thumb didn't come out until I was eleven.

2). Tea - AKA - Dinner or Supper.
Or whatever other terminology you like to give to a finger-licking meal that comes in the evening.
Please note - photo or no photo - my eyes were transfixed by the sausage rolls and have stayed that way since.

3). MY FAVORITE (without the "U". I'm in America now, Mum).
I like to call this one:
Three Heads With Three Swimming Caps and A Boob.
Taken at one of the three trillion BUTLINS HOLIDAY CAMPS we visited over the years.
You can certainly see who is who.
And the perky, shapely boob ...?
Me Mum's.

4). Sharon's First Communion.
Sharon Louise Bernadette. A saintly wee lass.
And the only one of the three who wasn't excommunicated.

5). Bridesmaids And me Mum.
Legend has it that the Bride only wanted ONE of us - but we came as a package deal.
And yes, that is a cast on our Deborah's arm.
Apparently, she tripped over a pin.

So. There it is.
Retro perhaps.
But none of us look any different.

Well, Sharon did change a bit after she had the measles ... but that's a story for another day.

L.

Retro Week. Part 3.

The adult in me was tremendously pleased this week to see that my dear friend Cathy had responded to the "Retro" idea by referencing her own "fair share of trippy, creepy 70's kids t.v." experiences.
But the child inside me wanted to play that timeless school-yard game of "mine is bigger than yours" and let her know that what I had shown was just the tip of the iceberg.

And then I watched her clips - And was rendered mute.

However, not to be outdone, I thought to myself: "Self. I can still play this game...
All I have to do is mention that we had it the worst because we had
MARGARET THATCHER!!!!!!!!
And what could be more damaging to a young child's blossoming psyche than that????"

But then it hit me.
I was muted again.
We may have had Margaret Thatcher but SHE had RONALD REAGAN ....

There was nothing more to say.
Game. Set. Match.

But before picking up my ball and walking away with my head held low, I did find a sort of comfort in the knowledge that we did have one thing that was better, at least in my wounded mind; and that was "Spitting Image"
At least we had a way to to help neutralize the insanity!!

Take a look:

Ronald Reagan Breakfast

Reagan Keeps The Pattern





L.

Retro Week. Part 2.

Watch First (Please).


www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTyjBUoCnKM


In retrospect ...
It's hardly surprising that Britain doesn't have a functioning Space Program when we all grew up watching this.

As it turns out, the concept of "Stop Motion" not only referred to the type of animation used for THE CLANGERS; but it was also the policy adopted by the UK Committee for Space Exploration.

Oh, and Cathy. How's that hot-water-bottle doing?

L.

Retro Week. Part 1.

My Husband is going to be home all week because he's on Spring Break.
And for some strange reason his presence in the home seems to dampen my creative flow and stifle my wit.

Can't think why...

So.
In accounting for circumstances - and making the most of a grim situation, I've decided to do RETRO WEEK!

Retro for me, anyway!

And I'd like you to take a look at these two ads from my more youthful years and ask yourself ONE question:


www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3EyKKjrOk4

www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0ya5kh4_ZM

Is there any WONDER that studies have shown that 95% of women my age or older prefer chocolate over sex?

L.

Philosophical Friday

Wherever you go in the world today, there are many important issues that need to be addressed with varying degrees of urgency.
And although countless households around the globe find themselves asking an assortment of critical and compelling questions on a daily basis, I think there is ONE universal topic of inquiry to which we all crave an answer.

And that is:
IS IT POSSIBLE TO LICK YOUR OWN ELBOW?

My sources say no.

But others beg to differ.

And, as with any other timeless argument that has been debated throughout the ages, we have the usual philosophical entourage ...
Believers and Deniers.
Subscribers and Agnostics.
Purists and Relativists.
Realists and Skeptics.
And of course, we have those who question the very existence of the elbow itself.

We have some who ask: "if the elbow really does exist, then where is the exact location? Is all the elbow bone? Or is all the bone elbow?"
And others who want to know: "If your lick lands near the bone but not on the bone, have you really licked your elbow or did you merely lick your skin?"

There's The Old Wives Tale - if you can lick it, you will live forever.
And.
The Urban Legend - if you DO lick it, you will turn in to the opposite sex. (Could save a fortune on surgery if true).

And then we have myself, who often asks, "If I lick my own elbow and no one is around to see it, did I really lick it at all?"

But no matter what our disagreements may have been in the past, I think that THIS is the weekend we should put an end to all the uncertainty and get a definitive answer once and for all.


So for those of you who'd like to see a group of boys and girls giving it a go, look here.

L

Ecstasy

Oh. My. God!!

YESTERDAY was just AMAZING!!!

Who knew that a Forty-First Birthday could be such a euphoric event???

I was awoken with breakfast - brought thoughtfully to my bed.
I was handed Roses. Beautiful Roses. Dozens. Just for me.
I was serenaded with sweet music as I was lead gently down the stairs.
And I was showered with endless gifts. So many, in fact, that I'm certain there are some still waiting to be opened.
I was taken out for lunch, where my taste-buds jumped for joy.
And I was pampered all day long. Spoiled rotten. Like I was royalty in my own home.
The aroma of my beautifully prepared supper was practically intoxicating.
And my cake, which had been decorated by hand, spelled LOVE with a capital "L".
The evening was so exciting that I felt almost drunk with joy.
And the games we played made me laugh so hard that at times I thought I may never catch my breath again.

OH!
SO VERY, VERY PERFECT!!


And then the drugs wore off.

L.


But in all seriousness ... thank you to everyone who thought about me yesterday. You made me feel very special. And not in the "mentally challenged" kind of way.

Craft: Happy Shiny Day

Happy Birthday Lindsay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since your birthday lands on craft day we made you a shiny bouquet of flowers using homemade paint.

To make the paint mix food coloring with sweetened condensed milk. Then draw your flowers on heavy paper using a ball point pet. Paint using a paint brush or Q-tip. When the paint dries it looks really glossy.

Hope you have a super shiny day!

xoxo, c.

Dual Purpose

When faced with today's dilemma, there was only one solution.

You see. Today may be St. Paddy's Day. But it is also Sara's Birthday!!!!

So. Like the gifted multi-tasker I am ... I combined the two.

And what better way to celebrate both wonderful events than have my Irish Husband, Bono, sing Happy Birthday to my awesome friend Sara?

So. Here he is ... and be careful, if you blink - you'll miss it!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTWgwCwCzjE

Happy St. Patrick Sara's Birthday!!!

L.x

For You!

L.

Frustrated on Friday

I'VE GONE FROM THIS ...






TO THIS ...







I really think it's time for me to find a new hairdresser.

L.

Yeah. What he Said ...

I don't have to think about what I'm going to say today.
Because Lewis Black did all the work for me during his "Back in Black" segment on The Daily Show last night..

And I quote ...

"Of course, in tough times, the one thing we can count on is the strength of our National Character ...
At McDonald's - sales are up.
Alcohol sales across the country are also up.
In one of the worst economies in our lifetimes, gun sales are the highest on record in the U.S.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

It's nice to know that in times like these - we - as a country, fall back on what we do best.
EATING AND DRINKING OURSELVES TO DEATH AND SHOOTING ANYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP US!!!"

I think Lewis and myself may have been separated at birth.


L.

You can see the whole clip here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And before we go any further on this fine Wednesday afternoon, I should just point out that "This is not a craft" ... or, more accurately ... "Ceci n'est pas un craft."

The cartoon gave me a good chuckle earlier today, so I thought I'd share it with you.

I don't want to spoil the joke by endlessly raving on about the witty, surrealist art work of René François Ghislain Magritte.
And I don't want to take away from the fun by explaining how the original "Pipe" art spawned a Pop Culture Phenomenon so extensive that it's still referenced widely today.
I will say, though, that the phenomenon permeated culture so deeply that homage has even been paid by the masterful philosopher, Foucault, in one of his more recent works.

But anyway.
Follow the links.
Google what you must.
And enjoy the joke!

L.

In my defense ...

I realize that after yesterday's humiliating admission of ignorance on my part, that my intelligence may now be a questionable subject. In fact, some of you may be wondering why the Blog is not entitled "Half-Wit Craft?"
And ... you probably have a valid point.

But in my defense, I think you should know that there is a legitimate and rational explanation.

My Dad and Sister let me fall out of the window of a moving van when I was just a little wee bairn. I was violently ejected from the standing-room-only position gracefully allowed to me in the vehicle. I went over my sister's head, landed square on my own noggin, and was left vulnerably rolling down Horncop Lane ... right in to the path of oncoming traffic.
Despite the fact that it must have gotten awfully quiet in the van after the event; and despite the fact that my undies must have been flung in to the face of at least one of them - apparently, they "didn't notice."
I landed with a force only experienced before by returning astronauts in peril and consequently injured the part of my brain that deals with numbers.

You see?
A tragic event, perhaps...
But a simple explanation for sure.

So here are the answers for those of you who need them (me).

L.

1). 7/16 pounds
2). 100 m
3). 50
4). 1.02
5). 627.23
6). Declarative, Interrogative, Imperative and Exclamatory.
7). 50 grams
8). For 3 points - Too long to write. Look here, under "text"

Dunce

If I lived in an old school house - and was approximately thirty one years younger - with skinny little arms - and a much smaller head ... then this would have been me this weekend.

But since I don't live in an old school house - and I'm approximately forty one years of age - with much larger arms - and a proportionally bigger head, I just sat on my couch thinking that this should have been me this weekend.

This weekend was a tough one.

Tough for my son who was busy learning One Hundred "age-appropriate" questions for his annual, fund-raising, Knowledge-a-Thon.
And tough for his Mother, who was quickly learning that she and the school had sizeably different opinions on the true definition of "age appropriate."

My conclusion?
That Fifth Grade Knowledge-a-Thon questions are definitely NOT age appropriate for anyone born at 5:45 am on the 18th Day of The Third Calendar Month in the Year 1968, on a blustery and rain soaked morning to a dark haired woman named Maureen.
That's all I'm saying.

So. See how you fare with these:

1). If you have 7 ounces, how many pounds is that?
2). If the scale of a map is 1:1000, a 10cm long field on the map has an actual length of what?
3). Round to the greatest place value: 51.786
4). Add 1 and 2/100 using a decimal point system.
5). Round 627.234 to the nearest hundredth.
6). Name the four types of sentences.
7). How much does 50ml of water weigh in grams?
AND, for 3 points
8). Recite the preamble to the Constitution (3 parts).


L.

All answers will be provided tomorrow.

Artistic Expression

Check out Anne Taintor.
She has something for everyone.
And it's cheaper than therapy.


L.

Dear Cathy

Dear Cathy,
I write to you today on behalf of Jon Stewart and myself with an URGENT plea.
On behalf of us both, after reading your "P.S." on Mia Zucca , we respectfully request that you reconsider your romantic allegiance and return to the one who is truly deserving of your attention.

Jon and I understand that you may have felt some sympathy for Sting last night.
After all, to the untrained eye, it may have looked as if Sting was getting Stung by The Edge during Letterman's Top Ten List.
But it was no such thing.
It was a harmless quip.
A loving Irish Kiss from one grown man to another.
And certainly not an offense to warrant Bono getting involved.

We are very concerned.
And we feverishly beseech you NOT to confuse sympathy with love.
Sympathy is for the Devil.
Love is for Jon.

So. Without purposely trying to sound like an advertisement for floor mops and wipes, we both get on our knees and beg of you please ...
"Baby Come Back!"

Sincerely,
L and J.x

Craft: Can Candles

Today we made some candle holders out of our canned goods. It's so simple to do and is a great recycling craft!

What you'll need:
Used cans
Nail
Hammer
Towel
Marker
Tape

First - peel the label off the can and set it aside.
Second - fill the can with water and put it in the freezer.
Freezing the water inside the can stops the can from indenting when the nail holes are punched through. I found that leaving the can in the freezer too long made the bottom of the can pop out. So you may want to check the can after a few hours to see if it is frozen to the point you need it to be.
Third - while the water is freezing, take the original can label and reverse it so that you can draw a pattern on the back.
Fourth - once the can is frozen, tape the pattern on to the can.
At this point, you may want to place the can on a towel so that it doesn't go rolling all over the place.
Fifth - using a hammer and nail, tap the nail in, following the pattern you made on the paper.
Sixth - once you are done with the nail holes, remove the pattern/paper and place a tea light inside the can. c.

Late Edition

Will Barry Manilow's Music Drive Unruly Teens from Mall?

Can anyone say ... urm ... YES ???

This was an afternoon headline on MSN.com
Barry Manilow's music is going to be used by a New Zealand Town to relieve it's Mall of "Rats."
A Pied Piper for a plague of pubescents ... if you will.

But be careful what you wish for O' citizens of Christchurch ...

Because with the Manilow comes the Fanilow.

And this is better for business ... how?

L.

A Reminder For All ...

Theodor Seuss Geisel, AKA, Dr. Seuss, may not have been a perfect man but he was a brilliant and compassionate human being.
And today, on the 105th anniversary of his Birthday , I am using all the strength of my left arm to hold back the uncontrollable urge of my right arm ... to type endlessly in proving this point.

But instead ... I am going to follow a piece of Seussian advice ...

"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."

L.