Please Stand By

I can not tell you how many times I stared at this Test Card as a child.
I was convinced that the girl in the middle was me.
I should elaborate further here and tell you that I was convinced that many faces in famous places were me ... ranging from advertising photos to roles with Norman Wisdom in the Old Black and White Movies.
I used to wonder why I did not remember actually being there for the photo-op or at the movie set; but told myself that my parents - (if they really were my parents) - must have drugged me or hypnotized me somehow so that my fame would not interfere with my normal life.
I'd like to say that this phase withered proportionally as my body continued to grow - but there was another stage that emerged before puberty finally hit.
A stage where I was certain that my life was being filmed.
For whom? I do not know.
But those hidden cameras were taking the best of shots as they were capturing every moment "Live from The Living Room" at Bowston - where my mouth was usually somewhere very close to a microphone.

I'm sure there is much to be made of these admissions.
But I'm not in the mood for that today.

I put the Test Screen up as a way to indicate that I'm starting my Fun Day Friday right now - so please, stand by or check back next week!

P.S. Here is a link to the BBC Test Card Gallery and History. It's worth a look for some fun this Friday!

L.

No News Is Good News

In the glorious absence of the hideous, blundering idiot - otherwise known as George W Bush - the U.S. 24-Hour News Cycle Media is at a complete and total loss.

You know they're digging deep and coming up empty-handed when the only "scandal" they can pull from the depths of The White House trash, is that Rahm Emanuel likes to crack his knuckles for fun.

OOOOOooooooooh.


Imagine that!
What a crazy world it's becoming ...
When the only thing the news media have to report right now is ... well ... ACTUAL news.

L.

Craft: For the Birds

Do you hear that? Grumble, grumble, rumble, grumble. It's the sounds of hunger coming from our fine, feathered friends. It's the middle of Winter and it's time to treat your local birds to a tasty snack!

Today g. and I made a bird snack shack. We go through an enormous amount of milk in my house between the lattes, cappuccinos, sippy cups and cereal. Ah ... the cereal, or should I say men and their cereal ... I could and should dedicate a whole post just to that.
Anyway, pull one of your discarded milk cartons from the recycling bin and join us in making this really simple bird feeder. It only takes about 15 minutes and the birds will thank you for it!

What you'll need:
Milk carton
Scissors
Paint
Decorations (optional)
Hole punch
String or wire

Wash and thoroughly rinse the milk carton. Using the scissors, cut an opening in the front of the carton. To make a ledge cut on either side of the bottom opening - about 1/4 inch down - and fold back the flap. Paint the outside of the bird house with latex paint. Decorate with paint, sequins, glitter, stickers, etc. Fill with seed. Using the hole punch, punch a hole in the top center of the carton and use string to secure to a branch.
Then let them eat seed! c.

The Profane

I'm going to swear now ...

So. If you are one of those individuals who does not like profanity of any kind for any reason, then now is the time for you to take the kids and exit the room.

Here I go...

I'm Fucking freezing!

There. I said it.

L.

Deja New Year!

Today is the first Day of The Chinese New Year!
So, for those of you like myself who really need more than one chance a year to start fresh, today is your lucky day!
I like the idea of the Chinese system - basing their calendar on the Lunar cycle - because I feel an affinity with the moon.
I'm affected by the odd bit of lunacy myself.
Or perhaps more than the odd bit.

It's especially evident on the days when I howl the loudest.

But the fact that this New Year is going to actually be longer than a year intrigues me too. It may start today but does not end until February 2010.
Hey. That's more 'year' for your buck!
And I enjoy a good deal.

In all seriousness, though, it is the Year of The Ox. And according to what I read this morning, the fact that the "Ox Year" begins before and ends after February 5th means that this year has "eyes".
That is, this year will be a time when you can be especially aware of the influences of both the past and the future.
Moreover, you will be able to access wisdom from the past and have foresight for the future.

Which makes this year the EXACT year I need ...
because now - I'll be especially aware that the very same nagging (gentle persuasion) that has had no influence on my husband's behavior in the past will have just as little influence on his behavior in the future.

Great!
I will now have the foresight to save my energy for something better.

L.

Not so fun Friday

OK.
I know I probably talk about age, or the fun of aging, a bit more than some other (normal) people ... but I think it is because I hit the 40 mark last year - and I really noticed a serious difference between the "before" and "after". Almost as if, at the stroke of Midnight on that fateful day, my skin and bones let out a serious sigh of relief and walked off the job forever.
Never to return.
And now I have no help in keeping the wrinkles at bay and the bags from sagging.

Thus, like a hopeless idiot - or perhaps just a desperate idiot - I signed up last week on Oprah.com to get some "helpful tips on staying youthful".
Now, I'm not talking plastic surgery or botox or the like. Just, you know, eating habits, exercise tips and perhaps a bit of information on skin care, since I must be the only person in the Northern Hemisphere who does not cleanse or tone or wear sun-screen.
Shame on me.
However, if you knew my husband, you might understand my sunscreen rebellion.
But I digress.

So. This Fun Friday morning I went onto the site to check out the advice from Oprah's Friends (that's what they are called on her site - "Oprah's Friends").

The mission?
To feel better about myself.
Thinking that if I could work to increase my self esteem, then the rest would fall into place.

With the morning still being no where near from over, I had found out - courtesy of Dr. Oz's Real Age test - that I'm many years older than what the calendar actually tells me.
And for that, Dr. Oz, I thank you.
But then, as if that wasn't bad enough, I pointed and clicked on this little article about aging (some of which I have copied for you here):

You will probably get a full coat of down on your face, and a long stray hair here and there on your chin. The hair on your head will probably get thin, as will your eyebrows and eyelashes. (Oh, I nearly forgot—your pubic hair, too.) You'll get spots on your hands and bunions on your feet. Your nose and ears may appear to have grown out of proportion to your face. And that expression "long in the tooth" will endearingly apply to you: A receding gum line will make your teeth look bigger.…

Basically then - at that very moment when my teeth become a tool for drawing side-walk art without bending over - my mirror will be reflecting a balding but bearded Real-Life Mr. Potato Head. Complete with mouldy,rotten brown spots; deep, irreversible shriveling; and a myriad of toxic sprouts.

Well.
My self esteem has been boosted.

Happy Fun Day Friday, Everyone.

L.

Craft: Tiny Trash Town

Recycling paper is a common theme in my crafts. I get overwhelmed when I stop and think about how much paper goes to waste. It's nothing new, we've all thought about it at one time or another. I'm sure most of us are careful to use only what we need and recycle.

Today I was thinking about the mass mailer machine. You know - all of those 20% off big box store fliers, carpet cleaning offers and phone service deals that keep landing in your mail box? You don't sign up for them and you don't really know how to stop them.

So I decided to use a few I had laying around to create a tiny trash town. It's a modified version of the holiday paper town but it's actually more fun. We really enjoyed seeing how the patterns would unfold. My daughter loves making these. They look cute on my desk too.

I have a new pattern available here with instructions. This pattern fits nicely on all those mass mailer post cards we get. You can always enlarge the pattern on your copier for bigger buildings. c.

Peace in The Valley

If you don't live in the US of A, then it may be hard to grasp the real magnitude and deeper meaning of today.

All I can say is that it's like the sun coming out after nearly a decade of darkness.
A light shining on a brand new day!

As a black man, Barack Obama's run for the Presidency was inevitably linked to a disgraceful and oppressive history.

But today is not only symbolic because America has finally come to a place where the majority no longer accept the oppressive, bullshit rhetoric of the past; but because America has also come to a place where the majority no longer accepts the oppressive, bullshit rhetoric of George Bush and Dick Cheney and all the other criminals of their regime who kept this country mentally enslaved and in the dark for so very, very long.

We will all be freed today.

12:01pm can't come soon enough!

Happy Inauguration Day!

L.

Forget Waldo ...

Who needs Waldo when we have Bono?


"Where's Waldo", also known as "Where's Wally" in the UK and "Where's (insert name of choice)" in twenty-eight other countries, is now a North American Media Franchise adapted from the original books by Martin Handford.

In 1986, Handford was approached to create a book of his artwork; and to tie each scene together he came up with the idea to insert a "distinctive" traveler into each scene for readers to find.

Waldo became a huge pop-culture character in the early 1990's in the US.
And "Waldo-mania" took over.

What I am suggesting here ... in this new Era of ours ...
Is to REVISE the original idea and replace the fictional traveler known as Waldo with the very real and handsome, slash, heroic traveler, known as Bono!


And I'm thinking it would work!! Because -


Tell me?

Is there ANYONE

With whom

BONO

Has NOT been photographed????



I didn't think so.


L.

Objection!

You have GOT to be kidding me!!!!!!
Take a look at this because it's a Fun Day Friday Faux Pas if ever I've seen one.

According to today's Guardian, Boy George is going on a fifteen month hiatus courtesy of Her Majesty. That is, fifteen months in The Slammer for falsely imprisoning a male escort by handcuffing him to a wall and beating him with a metal chain.

Now.
It's not the fact that his male "escort" was acquired via a website called "Gaydar."
And it's not the fact that the escort was invited into Boy George's bedroom after a naked photo session, during which they took cocaine.
It's not even the fact that there was a handy, dandy box of leather straps, chains and sex toys conveniently lying around, which - and I'm going to go out on a limb here - just might possibly have been there to inflict a teeny-weeny, insy-winsy little bit of flirtatious pain on a naked, coked-up escort from "Gaydar"...

But, No! It's not any of those things...

It's the fact that in an esteemed court of law, in a high profile case, where special care should be taken in the choosing of one's words, that the Prosecution was allowed to ask this question of the jury ... They asked:

"Did he really have to hurt him?"

Aw - come on!
Where's the Due Process here?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury ... I OBJECT!

L.

P.S. Just to take the irony a step further, sneak a peek at the beginning of the original video ... do you think Boy George could see into his future?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=BipSyjcQ8K0

Cabin Fever

I know what you're thinking.
You're wondering why there is a black and white photo of a grown man looking remarkably similar to Hannibal Lecter positioned above another black and white photo of a mischievous but handsome ten year old boy, about to do something that he damn well knows he should not be doing.

So let me explain...

In modern day Film Theory and Criticism, the use of black and white images is a way to indicate a "divorce from reality." Sort of an "alternate existence." A place where life has been drained of color and vigor and variety. A world, where perhaps, one might go crazy or do insane things given the right set of circumstances and a suitable trigger.

And that, boys and girls, basically sums up my household these days.

School is once again canceled. I have both boys at home right now.
With the wind chill taken in to account, the temperatures have set up camp somewhere between the instant-frost-bite and immediate-rigor-mortis range . And the bone chilling temperature of minus 42 was communicated this morning as the warmer temp of the day by our scrawny and balding weather man.

It's not the first of these days. It's not even the first of these weeks. We have had nothing but snow and cold since mid November. And it is taking its toll.

So.
Devoid of color, vigor and variety; and bestowed with the right set of circumstances and suitable triggers ..

Mr.Lecter has been wandering the halls of our mansion wearing his nasal strips for over a week now.
The handsome ten year old boy has been writing threatening e-mails to himself!
And then responding!
And I've been going from room to room, scraping the snow and ice from the inside of the windows just to see how long it takes to come back.

I think "divorced from reality" pretty much sums us up.
And I'm sure that we are operating in a truly "alternate existence."
I just can't help but think that the term "Cabin Fever" sounds so much more like an Hawaiian Elvis movie than a state of Winter despair.

L.

U - Bend

I'm actually scaring myself today.
I'm sitting here, in front of my computer - fingers at the ready for typing - and I'm about to publish a post entitled "U-bend".

I ask you ... when did my life take this frightening turn?
And how come I can't pin-point the date?
In all seriousness, you'd think there would have been some kind of self awareness as I was lifting my legs over the fence from the free world of youthful dreams to the mundane, menopausal world of toilet cleaning.

I mean, who actually says out loud : "Eureka! That's it!! I've made a decision to conquer my fears about judgment and do a blog. And I'm going to post ... about U-bends"?

Apparently - I do.
I say that aloud.
And here I am.

Did you know, that out there in the plumbing world, we not only have U-bends but we also have S-bends and J-bends? Multiple shapes of pipes located below or within a plumbing fixture.
J-bend ... sounds more like an assumed rap artist name that my son would come up with.
Or perhaps, his future work identity. As his current plan is to be a professional football player first; but if that doesn't work out he wants to be a plumber second.

But did you also know that because of its shape, the U-bend "trap" will retain a small amount of water after the fixture has been used (thanks Wikipedia).
And furthermore, because it is a "localized low point" in the plumbing fixture ... it also tends to catch objects (such as jewelry) or collect sundries like hair, sand and other debris.
The word shit springs to mind here.

Wikipedia tells us that "for all these reasons, most traps can either be disassembled for cleaning or they provide some sort of cleanout feature."

Well. In my budget conscious bathroom, I am the provided cleanout feature!
And I'm about to clean mine out.
Hence - the inspiration for the post.

I'm thinking that ... perhaps ... I need to get out more.


L.

False Start

I was sure that I heard the firing of the pistol last Monday when I left 2008 in the dust and sprinted, head first, into 2009.
But apparently it was a false start.
My brief rendezous with a trampoline and some exercise tapes left my calf muscles aching for days.
But for nought... because now I'll have to go back to the starting line and do it all over again.
I was getting close to that line this morning when the phone rang and delayed my plans once more.
Someone wants me to "come earlier".
So, I'm going "earlier."

My body may not be flexible yet in this New Year of ours - but my schedule certainly seems to be!
Still. It's a good thing that SOMETHING about me has the ability to move without too much pain!

L.

Craft: Valentine's Day Shadow Box

Just three days after Christmas, Target had all of their Valentine's Day items on display. It seems like every year the retailers push each holiday sooner and sooner. I got a little excited seeing all the red and pink because it got me thinking about how fast the winter is going and that we are getting closer to warmer days. I have to admit, those of us who live in the Midwest spend a lot of time dreaming about the four months out of the year that it's actually warm and sunny. By February/March we are almost mental about it!

Today's craft idea is a Valentine's Day Shadow Box.
Why not make a little one of these to give instead of a card?
You could make one with your son or daughter to give to a teacher or friend.
I think most people would appreciate it's simple charm.
Today g. and I decided to render her and her dog running through the grass. This little image dreams of warmer days and a dog that can run again.

Method:
•I began by using a wooden toy box and some scraps of card stock.
•Then I drew the scene on a piece of plain paper. Once your scene is drawn, you can cut out each piece separately and use the pieces as templates - to trace around.
•I found t3D mounts in the dollar section at Target and stacked them 2-6 high to make the paper lift off the background.

Stay tuned: next week I will have a few patterns available for download along with all the supply sources!

C.

Weapons Of Mass Destruction

Here they are, Ladies and gentlemen!
Actual weapons of mass destruction.
Laid out in plain sight for you to view.

These photos need to be added to the FBI's Most Wanted List.
Or assigned a position on Mr. Bush's deck of terrorist playing cards - somewhere between the Jack of Diamonds and the Ace of Spades.

It is my absolute belief that Homeland Security should be focusing in on home fitness equipment and exercise DVD's. Because - let me tell you - since using these items yesterday I have been stopped dead in my tracks.
There's no security in my homeland today. And there wont be for some time to come.
I'm worthless!
Useless!
I could secure nothing!
I am literally a sitting target.

These small and seemingly harmless items would be perfect for subduing the enemy.

Yesterday, I actually had the ability to put one foot in front of the other and walk. And not just walk - but walk up my stairs.
Yesterday, I could bend over and pick up crap from the carpet. And not just bend. I could also squat.
Yesterday, I was full of beans, gusto, pep ... or whatever it is that allows you to jump up and down for twenty minutes on a mini - trampoline like a giddy, six year old school girl.

But today ... I am wounded.
Incapacitated.
Effectively disabled.
Basically out of commission.

My body has only two things that remain functionable...
My fingers and my bowels.
And if they made fitness equipment for either of these, I'm sure they would be out of order too.

So. This is how my New Year's Resolution is going.

Once again, I shall keep you updated.


L.

IT'S 2009!

Can you believe it? It is 2009 already!
That means we are heading towards the tenth year of the New Millennium...
The Tenth!

But wasn't it only last year that we all held hands with Bill Clinton and crossed that bridge to the 21st Century?
Or maybe that's just my outright denial of the Bush years in office.
But aren't the party-popper pieces and glitter flecks that I still find buried by my skirting from my lively Y2K party?
And am I not still recovering from the first major hang-over of the New Century?

Oops. My mistake...
One hang-over seems much like the rest.
I suppose my aging brain cells are finding it harder to maintain boundaries and separate the events of my life nowadays.
It seems that much like my cocktails, my memories are being thrown in to one small vesicle and blended.

But for me, today feels more like New Year than the first of the month.
Because today, everything is "back to normal".
My son is back to school.
I'm back at the Blog.
Oprah is back with a new show.
And - Ta Da - I'm going to embark upon my New Year's Resolution!

I just saw a statistic that said 75% of all people will break their Resolutions within the first three months.
This was astounding to me!
Quite unbelievable!
I was certain that my usual behavior of breaking the Resolution after a couple of weeks was "the norm".

But from what I understand, at least my actual Resolution fits into "the norm".
That is, the number one Resolution revolves around weight, food and health.
And that's where I'm at, baby!

I resolve to take this wrinkled old bag of aching bones and atrophied muscles and morph it into a recognizable human once more.
That's my plan. That's my goal.

I'll keep you updated!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

L.